this page was updated on 2014.08.14 @ 23:51:22 CDT

Hard n Heavy - v.12, Summer 1990)

Interviewer: What kinda stuff you been doing to keep yourself busy?

Dave: Man, I've been getting clean, basically. That's basically what has been the main time consuming thing for getting sober. Being on the road was like...I'd be copping drugs in every city...kinda thing...don't really remember much of it, and I was basically headed to death...that's about what I've been doing.

When I was home for a long time, it's like I said, that boredom sets in. So what better way to pass the time is to, y'know, do drugs and get high and all that kinda stuff, and it wasn't even getting me high any more, it was just getting me well. I'd wake up in the morning sick, y'know...have to drive downtown, in my car and I'd be throwing up in my lap because I'm just so physically ill. And it got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore, y'know? I saw my reflection in the oven one day when I was sitting on the kitchen floor, shootin' up, trying to fix, trying to hit a vein and I was vomiting all over myself and it was just the most appalling thing, I never could have pictured myself in any kind of state like that, and I knew I was just gonna die...I mean that's the basic simple truth y'know?

I'd be on the road, me and Eric would take planes from certain cities to go get drugs and come back. We'd be in Albaquerque, New Mexico, and there's no where to score there, so whaddaya do? You fly to New York, at like 5am and come back right before the show. Otherwise, you can't play. And it was just picking apart at my life, it was picking apart at my playing, y'know! I was basically an asshole to everybody and it just wasn't fun was a job, that was more of a job than the band, and I couldn't deal with that, so I basically checked into a hospital...and been doing the same thing ever since.

This denial thing comes into it...I used to start off, I used to snort it and smoke it, and I told myself, O.K., I'm not a junkie. Junkies are gutter people with rings in their arms and I'm not doing that, so I'm fine, and it turned into me doing that every day. But I still told myself I wasn't a junkie. Then I would start shooting up into, like parts of my skin, y'know? Well, I'm not hitting a vein, I'm not a junkie, there's NO WAY, and then it finally, it just progressed into like, fucking mainlining every single day, and I said, I'm not a junkie, I could stop this ANY time. Which was just fucking lying to myself, y'know? I'd be fucked up and I'd play a show, thinking I was ripping all night, I'd hear the tape back, and it was just embarrassingly awful. So the next night, in order to compensate for that, I would say I wasn't loose enough or something, and get MORE fucked up, and it just wasn't the way to go...I was a zombie.

O.K., as far as the creativity aspect...a lot of people are under this impression that it tends to take away from that, and I have personally found that. For instance, I thought I was really weird guy, weird creative guy, when I was fucked up all the time, but I found that it actually hindered that, y'know? I'm a lot weirder and more creative now, than I ever was, because it's like all the channels are free to flow now. Whereas they were blocked, and I don't know how it is with other drugs. People say they take acid or whatever, and they see things that are amazing or whatever, but for me, it was heroin, which just basically deadens your brain and it just stops the flow.

No, I would say it has a lot to do with the self esteem of a person, whether or not you think you are capable of this, or if you need this help to get creative. I don't think that it's true--you gotta work on yourself. I was so oblivious to everybody and it was like, I didn't say anything to anybody, no one really said anything to me, as far as I know, y'know? But no one was complaining. Man, we all have our little quirks about us and so for me, that was mine, as far as what they're up to, I can't really talk about that, but I can tell you as far as I was a nightmare. I mean, it just, it progressed from smoking pot when I was 11 years old, to, y'know, ending up in a trailer park in Reseda for a year, shooting heroin and coke every day.

transcribed by Dominique (thanx to Jason for the tape)