this page was updated on 2014.08.14 @ 23:51:29 CDT

Movies and Crap
The Brothers Navarro take on the best in the business.
by Dave and Johnny Navarro
Bikini - #?

In this issue we tip our hats to this year's Academy Awards, paying tribute to that special night in March when Hollywood's thespians dust off their dreams in hopes of taking home that brass ring--that awe-inspiring Adonis of acting--the man we've come to know as Oscar! And so, we offer our "Oscar Wrap-Up."

Sense and Sensibility
Adapted from a story by Jane Austin

Interior day. Cineplex Odeon Showcase Theater.

Johnny: Dave, a lot of people are talking good shit about this film....

Dave: John, how many of these fucking things are they gonna make? Howard's End...Remains of The Day...Room with A View...are you enjoying this?

Johnny: Well...I mean....

Dave: What!? You get your name in Premiere magazine's critic's poll and all of a sudden you're this big hot-shot Hollywood critic?!

Male Movie-Goer Seated Behind The Brothers: SSSSSShhh, some of us are trying to enjoy this....

Johnny: Hey! Why don't you take your "Sense and Sinsemillan" and have Kenneth Branagh pack it up your Merchant Ivory ass!!!

Dave: (laughing) Come on, John, let's go see Mr. Holland's Opus...I think it has something to do with the triumph of the human spirit!

Johnny: (aside) Mr. Holland's Anus!


Dead Man Walking
Written, Produced, and Directed by Tim Robbins
Stars Sean Penn and Tim Robbin's wife

Dave & Johnny:
Sean Penn Talking
Susan Sarandon Squawking
Eddie Vedder Tracking
Bruce Springsteen Rocking
Tim Robbins Shocking
Convicted Felon Croakin
A lot of Soap Boxing


The Postman (Il Postino)
A film about an Italian guy, by some Italian guy.
Stars a dead Italian guy with everybody speaking Italian.

Dave & Johnny: Il Corpsino!


Apollo 13
Imagine Entertainment presents A Ron Howard Film
Stars two-time Best Actor Oscar winner Tom Hanks

Johnny: I've got to ask you something about this picture, David, I sent...what...two, two and a half hours watching this thing? I never once saw Carl Weathers....

Dave: I'm curious to know how they did that weightless thing...I think he had something to do with that....

Johnny: It's all done with Rhesus monkeys. They did a lot of the special effects with scale models and Rhesus monkeys that were actually in Astronaut's suits.

Dave: (from The Right Stuff) "The problem ain't pussy...the problem is monkey..."

Johnny: (imitating Tom Hanks)... "Houston..we've got a problem. Need more Monoxydl...." I believe a great portion of this film's budget was spent on finding a suitable hair replacement for Ron Howard. Obviously those funds were hopelessly squandered.

Dave: Yes. I heard they called upon the same special effects team that created Mel Gibson's hair in Braveheart...

Johnny: (imitating Opie) "Hey Pa. How come my movie was nominated for 'Best Picture' but I wasn't nominated for 'Best Director'? My movies consistently make money and receive critical acclaim...but the Academy don't like me? Kevin Costner and Mel Gibson are also actors-turned-directors who wear hairpieces and the Academy gave them guys nominations?"

Dave: (as Sherriff Andy Taylor) "Well now,, just gotta understand the Academy's ballot process. Y'see, most of the voters in the Academy are either blue-haired wives or secretaries of the actual members. And these ladies ain't interested in little Opie Taylor of Mayberry, they ain't interested in Richie Cunningham, and they definitely ain't interested in the guy who played them! Both Costner and Gibson are romantic leads. Despite the fact that they've worn a wig or two, they are hot with the the ladies! Feel better, Opie?"


Produced by, Directed by, and Starring Mel Gibson

Dave: This was Mel Gibson's chance to pull a "Kevin Costner" at the Academy Awards.

Johnny: Some people were talking sweep, David....

Dave: I'm still appalled that Cutthroat Island didn't receive more recognition from the Academy. I mean, the sets...the stunts...the action!

Johnny: Or how about Fair Game? I can't believe that Cindy Crawford's debut effort went unnoticed!

Dave: I've got the review for this one. John...Dances with Kilts.

Johnny: Bravehair!

Dave: Gibson should receive an Oscar just for his ability to shoot around his height! He must've had all his co-stars standing in a two-foot deep hole. He looked like a giant on the screen, and the guy's got to be...what...5'1", 5'2" at the most?

Johnny: Tom Cruise and Al Pacino could take a few tips from him. They're actually shooting a documentary on the making of the film, entitled Braveheight...The Stunts and The Stunted.


Our favorite film of this year's Oscar offerings

Dave: John, this movie was a real "teat," (cracking up) Get it? "Teat!" Ahhh...ha...ha... "Teat."

Johnny:, "Teat the whole family to a very special outing! Go see Babe!"

Dave: Exactly! It's Oscar-time for this little piggy...Oscar Meyer, that is!!!

Johnny: I can already see the sequel...Babe Two: Weekend at Bernie's.

Dave: Yeah...Andrew McCarthy...Jonathan Silverman...and a dead pig!

Johnny: Why not?

Dave: Or...everyone's been waiting for the sequel to The Silence of the Lambs....

Johnny: You mean...The Silence of the Hams? The epilogue to Babe.

Dave: We're there!

thanks to Belinda for the photocopies