this page was updated on 2014.08.14 @ 23:51:29 CDT

Movies and Crap
The Navarro Duo makes film lovers question not only their gender preferences but also their hairstyles.
by Dave and Johnny Navarro
Bikini - #?

An Amblin Entertainment Production of a Jan De Bont Film. Written by Michael Crichton.
Starring Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt

Johnny: I was so glad to see that "Cheet" finally made it big....

Dave: (from Weird Science) "How about a nice, greasy, pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray..."

Johnny: (from Weird Science) "One-hundred and seventy-five dollars and zero cents cash, new bills, crisp and my wallet by seven a.m."

Dave: I've been a follower of Bill's cinematic work since those early days.

Johnny: Did you notice that Helen Hunt's wife-beater t-shirt was sparkling clean through, like, six twisters?

Dave: Oh, come one, John. It was obviously symbolic of her quiet strength, the innocent young girl trapped in a tornado shelter, her tender hopes and dreams swept away with only one white t-shirt to cling to....

Johnny: I think it had more to do with the turbulence in her relationship with Bill. I mean, she was wear....

Dave: Rug muncher?

Johnny: Smokin' bug!

Dave & Johnny: Shit-ster!


Mission Impossible
A Paramount Pictures Release
Directed by Brian DePalma
Co-Produced by and starring Tom Cruise

Johnny: Good to see Emilio Estevez back on the big screen...

Dave: Well, I mean, Cruise had to put somebody shorter than him in the cast, right?...

Johnny: They clipped him in like the first 20 minutes of the movie!

Dave: Hmmm...not unlike his ill-fated marriage to...what was her name?...

Johnny: I don't remember, but she was Bulimic, right?

Dave: God, we're such dicks. I apologize to the universe for both of us.

Dave & Johnny: Mission Un-watchable!


I Shot Andy Warhol
An Orion Pictures Release
A film by Mary Harron
Starring Lilli Taylor & Stephen Dorff

Johnny: What did you think, David?

Dave: I thought the movie was O.K. I was actually impressed with Stephen Dorff as Candy Darling.

Johnny: Who? What? Stephen Dork?

Dave: Oh, come one, John. That's just too obvious.

Johnny: (from Fletch) It's all ball bearings these days!"

Dave: She should've, Shot the Director!


The Craft
Columbia Pictures Release
A Douglas Wick production of A Film By Andrew Fleming

Dave & Johnny: The Crapt!!


A Universal Pictures Release
Written and Directed by Alan Shapiro
Starring Paul Hogan, Elijah Wood, and a fish.

Dave: John, did you hear about the box office this movie is doing in Japan?

Johnny: Oh, yeah. I think I read about that, but in Japan it's called, Nipper.

Dave: That's right...but in the Phillippines, they left the title alone.

Johnny: What do you think they're calling it in Africa, David?

Dave: I heard they're calling it...The Amazing Flipper.

Johnny: Would you recommend it to your friends?

Dave: They'd flip!

Johnny: It was pretty Fish-tacular. I heard that Alan Hale was slated to star in the sequel, Skipper.

Dave: Yes, but, even without a sequel, Flipper has Dolphinately served its Porpoise.

Dave & Johnny: Gypper!


Primal Fear
A Paramount Pictures Release
Starring the former Mr. Cindy Crawford

Dave & Johnny: Anal Gere!


The Rock
A Hollywood Pictures Production
Starring Nicolas Cage, Ed No-Harris and Sean Connery

Well, folks, if you've been waiting for the number one summer blockbuster to see, this action-adventure pic will have you pulling your hair out! The stunts, the action sequences, the special visual effects, the elaborate hairpieces, have all been designed to make our stars--and three major talents they are--appear to be not only fearless, but also not-hairless!

This is a "balds-to-the-wall" barn burner, the kind of chrome-dome drama that one usually has to wait years to encounter. Not since The King and I has hair loss been made so appealing.

Sean Connery inhabits the veteran's role, abandoning his previous "weaves" and "patch jobs" for a full-blown wig! Ed Harris, or No-Harris as we fondly call him, has opted to don his own natural fading locks which gives him a self-confidence and bravado not unlike the king of the receding hairlines himself, the great Jack Nicholson.

Finally, 1996 Best-Actor Academy Award winner, Nicolas Cage, known to some as Follicle-less Cage, sports a sculpted artificial mane, which not only lends depth to his character, but gives him a certain brassiness and strength not evident in the role which gave him his Oscar nod in Leaving Las Vegas.

We are told that a 12-man team was contracted as "wig wranglers" on this picture (four per scalp) and we're here to tell you, those dollars were well spent as the wig work was wonderful!

As for Connery, No-Harris, and Cage, this "troupee" is to be commended, as well. The Rug!

thanks to Belinda for the photocopies