this page was updated on 2014.08.14 @ 23:51:30 CDT

Movies and Crap
The larger-than-life Navarro Duo are your first, last, and only defense against wasting those eight bucks in your wallet.
by Dave and Johnny Navarro
Bikini - #26

Men In Black
Stars Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith, Linda Florentino, and Vincent D'Onofrio.

Johnny: Man And Black!

Dave: That's terrible, John! Unfortunately for Jones and Smith it's not half as terrible as this movie, however.

Johnny: Dave, didn't we see this film a few years ago...when it was called Ghostbusters?!

Dave: At least this time the heroine was cast properly. Linda Florentino is a lot sexier than Sigourney Weaver. But I thought that D'Onofrio did Rick Moranis' character justice. Vincent was great as "The Keymaster."

Johnny: Alien-busters!

Dave: Normally, John, I would say that that's a horrible movie title corruption. But you may have something there. Sigourney Weaver has starred in all of the Alien movies and Ghostbuster movies. Perhaps there's a Sigourney Weaver theme here. Maybe we an look forward to an Aliens In The Mist in years to come.


An epic film by Robert Zemi
Stars Jodie Foster, Matthew McConaughey, James Woods, Tom Skerritt.

Dave: John I loved this movie. It was the 2001 of our generation...the cinematography, the special effects....

Johnny: Oh yes, I know what you mean...they used a lot of blue screen in the making of this film.

Dave: Yes!

Johnny: For example, Matt McConaughey was shot from a number of different angles in a blue screen environment.

Dave: Right...and then he was shot wearing a blue screen skull cap.

Johnny: Uh-huh. And then special effects wizards spent countless hours of digital magic to painstakingly paint in his hair. In somecases strand by strand.

Dave: His hair was like a tapestry of visual effects. Plus they had to match it with the various backgrounds to create a seamless composite in which to add the Jodie Foster character, and then meld her background with his and the hair template and then render it further to magically bring his hair "to life."

Johnny: The real challenge came when they added in the character of Bill Clinton. Because his hair had to match the scenery but not detract from the hair of Palmer Joss, the Matthew McConaughey character.

Dave & Johnny: McCan't-Act!


My Best Friend's Wedding
A Julia Roberts Vehicle
(Dermot Mulroney and Cameron Diaz).

Dave: John, did this movie make you angry? It made me angry.

Johnny: No. Why were you angry, Dave?

Dave: Because I'm being asked to be sympathetic for Julia Robert's character--basically a deceptive, manipulative, conniving, lying gameplayer who is meddling in people's lives for her own selfish endeavor. And, on top of that, they charged me eight dollars!

Johnny: I gotcha.

Dave: Think about it...if someone in your life, whom you consider to be your best friend, pulled the kind of shit she pulled in that picture you would be furious. But because she's Julia Roberts and she's playing some sort of half-assed Lucille Ball trip, we're supposed to not only forgive her, we're supposed to like her!? Frankly, I'm offended by it.

Johnny: Yeah, but it's a comedy, Dave. We're being asked to set aside our preconceived notions about people, our trust issues, etc., and for 90 minutes put our psyches into another dimension. A dimension in which people's actions aren't governed by the same rules, a palette in which there is no ethical playbook. A realm where people are allowed to make mistakes, and where mistakes are forgiven. It's a lighthearted romp through the streets of "Love, USA"--and in "Love, USA" there are no traffic signals, Dave! The only boundaries are those which are defined by the heart. And the territory where the heart will take us is compassionately displayed in this simple farce.

Dave: My Best Friend's A Fucking Whore!

Johnny: Exactly.


A Film by Jean Luc Goddard
Stars Bridgette Bardot.

Johnny: Madon!

Dave: I could be wrong, but I think that Bardot gal's gonna be a big-big star someday.

Johnny: I'd watch 90 minutes of her reading stereo instructions.

Dave & Johnny: Can-Tempt Us.


An epic exercise in filmmaking by James Cameron.
Stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Danny Nucci.

Johnny: What'd they spend on this movie, Dave, like $200 million?

Dave: Yeah. They spent like $4 million on the actual Titanic which sunk, and now they're sinking $200 million into a film--which stunk!

Johnny: Yes. But Danny Nucci was great.

Dave: Get it, John? The Titantic sunk and the movie stunk? Get it? That's funny, right?

Johnny: I got it.

Dave & Johnny: Shit-anic!


Walt Disney Pictures
An animated film stars Tate Donovan as Hercules and other celebrity voices lure parents to drag their kids to theaters so that Disney makes extra dollars.

Johnny: I'm really pissed off about this one.

Dave: Why John?

Johnny: Well. For starters, I'm suing Disney for using my likeness for which to model their Hercules character without arranging for the proper releases and financial compensation, and with no prior consent.

Dave: What are you talking about?

Johnny: Oh, come on, Dave! Look at that guy! It's so obvious. I mean, he's a carbon copy of me for corn's sake!

Dave: Dude, he doesn't look anything like you. He's got blonde hair....

Johnny: Yeah. Okay. Right. Sure they changed the hair. I'm not falling for that old "just change the hair, he'll never know" trick. That's fucking me, David!

Dave: What about his face? I mean, that guy is like Anglo-Saxon, Dudley Dooright guy. And you're Latin. What about that? Huh, smart guy?

Johnny: (from The Godfather) "All right. All right. Some people like to play their little games. You play yours." Okay. The hair and the face....

Dave: And the body!? What about that, John?

Johnny: Well, that's the part that gives it all away. Don't you see? They've blatantly stolen my ideal physical self-image and foisted it, clumsily mind you, on this Hercules character with no regard for me or who I am, or who I've worked so hard to be, or will work so hard to become, I should say.

Dave: This could've been so much easier on you if you had just given me an inch on that Ransom thing a couple issues back....