this page was updated on 2014.08.14 @ 23:51:31 CDT

Movies and Crap
The Navarro Brothers put the holiday releases in perspective.
by Dave and Johnny Navarro
Bikini - #29

Dreamworks SKG Presents
An action film starring George Clooney and Nicole Kidman

Dave & Johnny: Peace of Shit Maker!


The Devil's Advocate
An Al Pacino/Keanu Reeves Vehicle

Dave: Dude, did you hear what people are saying about this? "The Devil's Defecate."

Johnny: Wow! That's harsh.... Who would say such a thing? Was it us?

Dave: I don't know exactly. And I don't get it - the movie wasn't that bad. In fact, Keanu Reeves turned in a fine performance, and with some extremely challenging material.

Johnny: Yeah he did.... I think he was like crying in one scene....

Dave: I think he was just reacting to how much Al Pacino was spitting on him.

Johnny: Al is an extremely "giving" actor isn't he? He gives you a shower basically.

Dave: (as Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate) "He's an absen-tee lanlord!" (On "tee" Dave sends a spit bullet into the air.)

Johnny: (as Al Pacino in Scent Of A Woman) "I'm just getting started...spitting on you!"

Dave: Don't get me started! He went from Michael corleone to that?

Johnny: Scent Of A Woman gamered Al an Academy Award, Dave!

Dave: Yeah, but that was one of those things where the Academy just felt it was "his time." I think this is one of those movies that really could've been great, but I think that studio people got a hold of it and basically cooked the life right out of it.

Johnny: I think you're right.... There was a lot of really "pointed" stuff in it.... I hate that, when the studios just decide that everyone in the audience is an idiot and that they can't appreciate subtleties.

Dave & Johnny: The Studio's Masturbate!


The Game
Starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn

Johnny: Sean Penn is simply the coolest guy around, isn't he?

Dave: Yeah, he really is. He was only in this movie for like five minutes, but in those five minutes he was cooler than everybody else in Hollywood.

Johnny: Are you of the "I Hate Michael Douglas" school?

Dave: No. I like Michael Douglas. He plays such great bastards.

Johnny: Tough gig for Michael Douglas in this one because he was basically playing the same beat through the whole movie, "Why is this happening to me and how can I make it stop?"

Dave: Right. Like Steve Martin in Planes, Trains & Automobiles.

Johnny: Same beat throughout. Tough to keep it fresh, David.

Dave: Not unlike interpersonal relationships at times. Or, being a movie columnist.

Johnny: Exactly. You and I get together and do basically the same shit each month, but at least we try to keep it fresh.

Dave: I don't know Johnny, I ran across an old issue the other day and you were wearing that same Hawaiian shirt you have on right now. This movie was neither great nor dreadful. It was, however, entertaining, and it gets you invloved.

Dave & Johnny: The Lame!


Alien: The Resurrection
The sequel to an alien epic
Stars Sigourney Weaver and Winona Ryder

Johnny: They should've called this, Alien: The Erection.

Dave: Oh, Johnny. Come on now. That is so wrong. That is such a frat boy response. You're better than that.

Johnny: You're right. Okay. How about, Alien: The Resuscitation? In that they're obviously trying to breathe life into Winona Ryder's sagging career. The last few films she's made have left something to be desired at the box office.

Dave: Now that's much better. Anything else you'd like to add?

Johnny: I'd like to give Winona Ryder some "mouth-to-mouth" of my own.... Her career may be sagging, but she certainly is not!

Dave: Oh, Johnny. Reel it in a little, you knew this movie wasn't going to be that great when they showed like half of it in the trailers....

Johnny: Right.

Dave: Plus, they used all of the textbook thriller gimmicks: 1. The moody thriller music pounding to a thundering crescendo; 2. The thing that SUDDENLY JUMPS OUT AT YOU but is really nothing to be scared of at all; 3. The "Don't go in there" walk; 4. The "It's those things, they're out there!" talk; 5. The drippy, oozy stuff; 6. The "take out the big tough guy to set everything off balance" trick. Shall I go on?

Johnny: No. You've got it going on all right.

Dave & Johnny: Alien: The Retrogression.


Kiss the Girls
Stars Ashley Judd, Morgan Freeman and Cary Elwes

Dave & Johnny: We really liked this movie and we don't want to give anything away by going into too much detail aobut it....

...but we never thought that Cary Elwes would end up being the killer!!!


Boogie Nights
A Fictional Pseudo Porno Bio-Pic
Stars Mark Wahlberg, John C. Reilly, Burt Reynolds, William H. Macy, Julianne Moore, and Heather Graham

Johnny: Here we go again! I'm going to have a hard time with this one, because frankly I have a little burning resentment towards the filmmkaers because, you know, they hired me to do that little body-double work for Marky Mark, you know, in that scene in his dressing room....

Dave: Stop it right now....

Johnny: You know, towards the ned, when he pulls down his fly and whips out his joint....

Dave: You're not saying...

Johnny: Oh yes.... I was the stunt dick.... And did I receive a credit? Did I get paid? Did I even get invited to go to the gala world premiere?

Dave: You're killing me, man...

Johnny: No, Dave. I sweated for these people. People are talking prosthetics, Marky Marks claiming it's his prize.... That's my stunt unit and, damn it, I want what's coming to me!

Dave: Where was "stunt unit" when we were in Vegas?

Johnny: Whoa. Easy! That was a totally different situation.... One, in fact, that we need not elaborate upon.

Dave: (laughing) That shut you up pretty quick!

Johnny: Wasn't Burt Reynolds great? (beat) You know, in Vegas, I was just really tired.

Dave: (laughing) Sure, babe.

Johnny: I would like to say, however, that I believe Heather Graham is an extremely gifted artist and that Hollywood has yet to realize the full breadth of her talents.

Dave: She was definitely full of talents in this film.

Johnny: You know...she reads Bikini. I wonder if she's reading this right now?

Dave: Well, didn't you meet her on the set, Mr. Stunt Dirk?

Johnny: (treading water and sinking fast) Oh, well...Uh, yeah.... I mean.... That was a closed set, man.... I mean they respected my privacy, you know....

Dave: So, Julianne Moore and Mark Wahlberg can like fully go for it completely nude with about ten crew members standing around, but you whip out your Slim Jim and they've got to clear the set?

Johnny: It's different, man... I was working solo, you know what I mean? I'm a solo artist.

Dave: A solo artist. Okay. I'll buy that.