this page was updated on 2014.08.14 @ 23:51:32 CDT

Movies and Crap
The intrepid Dave & Johnny Navarro once again put their collective thumbs in the eyes of the biggest power hounds in Hollywood.
by Dave and Johnny Navarro
Bikini - #?

The Devil's Own
Stars Harrison Ford and Brad Pitt.

Johnny: Here we go again. Brad Pitt almost out-handsomed Harrison Ford.

Dave: Impossible! He's Han Solo for Chrissakes.

Johnny: Brad Pitt's good, right?

Dave: He's okay...

Johnny: Handsome, Irish, drinker....Did you notice that he could also shoot pool and guns like a pro?

Dave: The only thing missing was a scene where he plays guitar and sings!

Johnny: Overall, however, the film was somewhat...lacking. Right?

Dave: Well...I didn't understand why Morgan Freeman didn't let him open the box.

Johnny: That's Seven, Dave.

Dave: That's right. Too bad it didn't contain the head of the writer of The Devil's Own!

Dave & Johnny: The Devil's Rental!


Donnie Brasco
Stars Johnny Depp, Al Pacino, Anne Heche, Michael Madsen, Bruno Kirby, James Russo, and Sal Genco.

Dave: I liked this movie the first time I saw it--when it was called Goodfellas.

Johnny: Johnny was good, though.

Dave: Yeah, Johnny Depp was good, but Al Pacino...

Johnny: I thought he was great.

Dave: He was, like, completely over the top, John. (from Scent of a Woman) "P'yew Ahhh...I'm just gettin' started!" What is that shit?

Johnny: You've had a problem with Al Pacino since Scent of a Woman, haven't you? For which, may I remind you, he received an Oscar nomination.

Dave: That's not acting, Johnny. That's histrionics.

Johnny: Dave! (from And Justice For All) "You're out of order. They're out of order. The whole trial's out of order!"

Dave: All right...I'll give you that....But what about Heat? (from Heat) "She's got a great ass! And you've got your head all the way up it!" What the hell is that shit? That's terrible.

Johnny: I'm with him, Dave...I'm buying it, every step of the way. (from Scarface) "Say g'night to the bad guy!"

Dave: Whoa...wait...that's different.

Johnny: How's that different?

Dave: He was on coke in that movie! And, that's before he started taking money gigs!

Johnny: Ouch....But, remember, I had that "moment" with him.

Dave: "Moment?" You're deluded.

Johnny: I did! I affected him. During the filming of Frankie & Johnny.

Dave: He gave you "the nod," right?

Johnny: It was more than that! He was acknowledging my presence!

Dave: Pipe dreams!

Johnny: He needed me to return the nod, a validation of our shared moment on the set.

Dave: Yeah, right....That was right before they asked you to leave, right?

Johnny: It was a closed set...they asked everyone to leave...Al was feeling a little nervous, because he knows I'm an actor, too. You know, acting is a very competitive craft!

Dave: How about Sal?

Johnny: Are you kidding? In that first scene, he looked directly into the camera lens!

Dave: (cracking up)

Johnny: Here's Sal (from Donnie Brasco, as "The Bartender"), "Here's your drink, Johnny....ooops....I mean, Donnie...." CUT "I'm sorry guys I won't do that again, I promise!"

Dave & Johnny: Donnie Don't Go!


Liar, Liar!
A Jim Carrey Vehicle

Dave & Johnny: Rental, Rental!


The Saint
Stars Val Kilmer and Elisabeth Shue

Dave: This should've been called, The Taint!

Johnny: Why's that, Dave?

Dave: Because it taint worth going to see, and it taint worth renting!

Johnny: Very good. How about, Th' S'ain't Good?

Dave: It became The Naked Gun halfway through!

Johnny: You're right. I almost expected to see Leslie Neilsen walk in dressed like an Ayatollah.

Dave: It's gonna take a "saint" to save this film's box office!


Star Wars Vs. The Empire Strikes Back
Twentieth Century Fox Presents A George Lucas Financial Coup
Stars Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Alec Guiness, and the voice of Frank Oz

Johnny: All right, David. Let's have it out right here, right now. And we'll let the readers decide.

Dave: Well, John. Quite simply, it's all about Star Wars, it always has been, and it always will be.

Johnny: Dave, Empire is simply a better film!

Dave: How can you say that? Sometimes I'm embarrassed that we're related!

Johnny: Dude, Empire was written by Lawrence Kasdan, the characters are developed better, the effects are better, the storyline is better.

Dave: The effects were better?

Johnny: Well, yeah!

Dave: Johnny, do we have to have the "electric car" conversation again? Look, the electric car, although a good idea, is not what it should be. Not unlike the effects in Empire. The electric car only goes like 60 miles per hour and you can only drive it for like, two hours, and then you've got to charge it up for 10. It's not as good as a regular car. In Empire they tried to utilize new technologies with the effects. But they hadn't yet mastered the technologies. Thus, we ended up with a high-tech, Jason and The Argonauts/Sinbad movie. All that stop-action, and puppetry? It was downright embarrassing. Yoda's mouth didn't even move with his voice!

Johnny: See, that's part of the problem. I love all that Ray Harryhausen shit. I liked the "Walkers" in Empire. They ruled.

Dave: You liked the walkers? If the Empire could manage to create star fleets and a Death Star, why on earth would they stoop to using a clunky dumpster with legs to "walk the planet"? I's like, they're saying, "We don't know how to make this film better than Star Wars, so we'll throw-in these walkers. Yeah, they're good and we can make a fortune in merchandising." Don't even get me started on Jabba The Hut...a big fat puppet whose mouth doesn't even move very well.

Johnny: Dave, it's science fiction! There's a certain willing suspension of disbelief. What about the Cantina scene in Star Wars? I mean, that might as well have been a "Chucky Cheese" number for Chrissakes!

Dave: Those weren't key characters! They were scenery! Yoda and Jabba are pivotal roles...we're being asked to accept that some hand-dressing is a 400-year old supreme being with supernatural powers? Give me a break! Why didn't Frank Oz just put make-up on his hand, and do a "Señor Wencas" thing? (as Yoda) "Ooooymmm, pay a fortune and you will for an action figure of me."

Johnny: (laughing) All right, all right. But, Han gets, like, frozen in Carbonite. How rad is that? And the whole development of his romance with Leia.... (as Leia) "I love you." (as Han Solo) "I know." That ruled! That's a classic moment in film history!

Dave: All that proves is that Harrison Ford is a cool guy, because that line wasn't even in the script...he ad-libbed it!

Johnny: You suck!

Dave: No, I'm winning!

Johnny: Look we can't even have this conversation. Empire isn't worthy of's just better....

Dave: You're right, we can't have this conversation. Because look who I'm talking to...a guy who likes the Ewoks.

Johnny: Shut up! You know I don't like the Ewoks! Nobody likes the Ewoks....

Dave: Then how come when I call your house, that Ewok "Yub-Yub" song is on your answering machine?

Johnny: Shut up! Is it not!

Dave: I know, I know...but can you believe that somebody actually wrote that shit?

Johnny: Maybe, for now, we just agree to disagree on this issue?

Dave: Yeah. We're better friends for it. But, we agree about the Ewoks, right?

Johnny: Of course.


A David Cronenberg Smoker
Stars James Spader, Holly Hunter, and Rosanna Arquette

Johnny: I loved this film, David.

Dave: C'mon Johnny, that's so obvious.

Johnny: I think it was extremely fluid...poignant...yet, unpretentious the sex was devisive, yet brilliantly positioned to a thundering climax.

Dave: I heard they're making a sequel.

Johnny: Well, they are, but you've gotta wait, like, 15 or 20 minutes.

Dave: Right, and of course, it won't be quite as hard-hitting.

Johnny: And when it's fall right to sleep.

thanks to Belinda for the photocopies