this page was updated on 2014.08.14 @ 23:51:33 CDT

Movies and Crap
by Dave and Johnny Navarro
Bikini - #?

It's that time again, that special time in Tinseltown when thespians young and old, directors and screenwriters far and wide, gather together for that one glittering night when Oscar is king and childhood dreams come true. We're speaking, of course, of the Academy Awards. But we have our own votes to cast in a ceremony which we will fondly call "The Bikinis." So without further ado, here they are (by the time you read this the real winners will be written in gold, but we really don't care):

Best Picture:

The English Patient
Dave: They should've called this picture The English Boredom.

Johnny: No, they've got the title right, because you've gotta be "patient" to sit through this crap. Get it?

Dave: I'll bet this one wins. But I gotta say, I hated it.

Johnny: Ditto.


Dave: Now here's the movie I'd like to see win. But you know it won't.

Johnny: I agree. I think the Coen brothers are long overdue. But I agree, they will be overlooked by the Academy. Hence, I'm going to rename this film Forego, because the Academy will, no doubt, "forego" giving it an Oscar in favor of The English Bullshit, I mean, "Patient."


Jerry Maguire
Dave: "Show me the money!" That line has become the "Where's the beef?" of today. He should have said, "Show me the monkey!" Show me the monkey who wrote the script....

Johnny: If I hear that phrase one more time I'm gonna puke! But, I think we both agree that Cuba Gooding, Jr. was awesome.

Dave: Yeah, we're down with Cuba.


Secret & Lies
Johnny: An aptly named film because the release of this movie was virtually a secret.

Dave: And anybody who says they saw it before it was nominated is lying!

Dave & Johnny: We didn't see it, so we'll have to pass.


Dave: A little Rain Man, a little Mr. Holland's Opus....

Johnny: I liked this movie, all except the ending. You know, where Jack Palance gets killed?

Dave: That's Shane, John! Shine was fine, but I think it'll be the Academy that will "shine" this film.


Best Actor:

Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire
Dave: I think Tom Cruise is a great actor. And hey, I'm not afraid to say it! But I don't think he deserves an Oscar for this role.

Johnny: Yeah, I mean, there have been so many other roles worthy of praise. His work in Losin' It, Cocktail, and Days of Thunder comes to mind. It's interesting that the Academy failed to recognize his acting in those films.

Dave: I would've voted for Tom Cruise for Best Actor except for the shameless way he literally sucked Dustin Hoffman's dick at the Golden Globe Awards.

Johnny: Did he really?!

Dave: Yeah, but not in a gay way, I mean, he didn't get him off or anything he just presented him with the "Lifetime Achievement Award." I was speaking figuratively.

Johnny: Oh...I see...So you're saying he didn't actually....

Dave: No, not that I'm aware of, Johnny.


Ralph Fiennes in The English Patient
Dave: I've had it with this guy. Is his name Ray...or Ralph...or Raiph?

Johnny: I guess his name is Raiph, which is the original English pronunciation of Ralph, so when you hear it, it sounds like Ray next to his last name. Get it? Ray actually Raiph Fiennes...spelled Ralph....

Dave: I think I'm gonna ralph!

Johnny: Don't you mean raiph?


Woody Harrelson in The People vs. Larry Flynt
Dave: Here's another guy I can't stand. I don't get the whole Woody Harrelson thing.

Johnny: Yeah, I know, but you gotta admit he was good in this part....

Dave: Are you serious? Who wouldn't be? It's a great part.

Johnny: C'mon he went from Kingpin to Larry Flynt. That's quite a stretch.

Dave: Yeah, from dumb to dumber, I don't buy it! He's shit.

Johnny: How about Indecent Proposal?

Dave: (from Indecent Proposal) "You were attracted to him!" Okay, can have him...but not with an Oscar in his hands.

Johnny: Agreed.


Geoffrey Rush in Shine
Dave: I've got a problem with this guy, too.

Johnny: What?

Dave: Well, I really liked him in the movie, but then I saw him on Letterman and he was, like, totally egotistical.

Johnny: Really?

Dave: Yeah, he was saying how he was someplace where Mel Gibson was and there was a hot looking girl there, and that she preferred him to Mel Gibson.

Johnny: Bullshit?

Dave: I'm serious. And, then he's, like, "I gotta be careful, because my wife's backstage."

Johnny: What an asshole!

Dave & Johnny: Shun.


Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade
Johnny: This is my favorite, Dave.

Dave: Uhmn-huh. It's this year's Forrest Gump.

Johnny: Yeah, but, this guy was great. Plus I'm excited that they're working up a Latino version of the film, they're calling it Switch Blade.

Dave: (as a Latino Billy Bob Thornton) "Some people call it a stiletto, homes. But I call it a switch blade...uhmn-huh."


Best Actress:

Dave & Johnny: This one's easy! Diane Keaton's the only one of the actresses nominated who has worked with our hero, Woody Allen, plus Diane Keaton worked with Al Pacino in Godfathers I and III. Therefore, naturally, she deserves to win the Oscar. She's Annie Hall for crying out loud!


Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress

Dave & Johnny: Who cares?! But, actually. If Cuba Gooding, Jr. doesn't win, it will be just another example of the Academy's shameless attempts at keeping people of color down.


But in our opinion, there were some other "Bests" which were overlooked in the Academy's nominating and balloting process. Here are just a few such categories. And "The Bikini" goes to....

Best Use of Overt Nepotism In Casting:

Woody Harrelson's brother in The People vs. Larry Flynt.


Best Movie One-Sheet Poster:

Metro starring Eddie Murphy. The one posted in the bus shelter on the corner of Sunset & Vine in Hollywood was especially impressive, because someone had spray painted over the "M" and "T" in the title so that it read: "Negro."


Best Four-Alarm Nude Scene In An R-Rated Movie:

Kelly Preston and Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire. Now we know why Travolta always has that big grin plastered on his face in every photo!


Best Gratuitous Use of the Medium to Exploit the Filmmaker's Repressed Sexual Desires:

Liv Tyler in Stealing Beauty.


Best Original Use of Violence For Comedic Effect:

The "Chipper Shredder" scene in Fargo.


Best Actress Not Nominated In Any Category:

Rene Russo! (obviously)


Best Actor Who Obviously Took A Role For the Cash Only:

This is a tie between Rod Steiger in Assasins and Marlon Brandon in The Island of Dr. Moreau.


Best Actor Who Single-Handedly Got More Publicity Last Year Than Any of His Films Ever Did:

Robert Downey Jr.


Best Use of Hairpieces, Wigs, and Toupees:

The Rock (think about it). Though Woody Harrelson's rug in Kingpin takes a close second.


Best Use of Special Effects to Compensate For a Total Lack of Plot, Script, or Acting Ability:

Independence Day.


Best Ability to Get a Film "Green-Lighted" Even Though It's a Total Piece of Shit:

Tim Burton for Mars Attacks. By the way, the 1997 prize for this has already been awarded to David Lynch for Lost Highway.

thanks to Belinda for the photocopies