this page was updated on 2014.08.14 @ 23:51:34 CDT

Movies and Crap
The Brothers Navarro go searching for celluloid salvation and find only fodder.
by Dave and Johnny Navarro
Bikini - May 1996 transcribed by Andria

A Michael Mann Picture
Stars Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino
Also starring Val Kilmer and Abe Vigoda (Fish)

Dave: You know, I went to this thinking it was a remake of the old Burt Reynolds classic, I was very disappointed.

Johnny: I loved it!

Dave: Really? I wanted to see Michael Corleone and Jake LaMotta going at it. I guess that's my own fault.

Johnny: That was one of the best action sequences I've ever seen...And how about those special effects?! The creatures were so lifelike...

Dave: Yeah, the creatures were good...But how many times have you heard, "You just don't get it do you? It's those things...They're out there!!"

Johnny: I'd say it was mistitled, it should've been called, Great.

Dave: No...No...No...It should've been called Feet, because it stunk!


Twelve Monkeys
A Terry Gilliam Film
Stars Bruce Willis, Brad Pitt, & Madeline Stowe

Johnny: It's hard for me to review this picture because it stars Brad Pitt and he's just so fucking handsome....

Dave: He's more than just handsome...I saw him on a talk show the other day, and he was actually like really cool...and humble. Plus he's really fucking amazing in this movie.

Johnny: I hate him.

Dave: I know you do. And I could too. I think my girlfriend dated him...or something. It's one of those things you never really want to find out about. I'd rather just be able to attend movies without dying inside.


"The Late Show With David Letterman"
Produced by Worldwide Pants
Musical Guests: The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Johnny on the phone with Dave:

Johnny: Dave? Congratulations. You looked great, played well....

Dave: We were okay. I think that not our best medium.

Johnny: Yeah...the sound was kind of off. Letterman seemed to like you guys....

Dave: That's because he's a television star. He can seem like he likes anything he wants. He's no stranger to the lens.

Johnny: We should review your performance in our next Bikini column.

Dave: Yeah, that way at least no one can accuse me of living in a glass house. Maybe we should review some of your ads and get you off the hook as well.

Johnny: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait...a minute...I'd rather remain on the hook!


An Oliver Stone Film
Starring Anthony Hopkins

Dave and Johnny: Stinkson!


Directed by Mr. Martin Scorcese
Stars Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone

Johnny: Ca-Seen-It!

Dave: I really liked it. I was glad to see Goodfellas in Las Vegas....

Johnny: I wanted it to be about gambling, but it was a people story. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed it and all. But I found it long.

Dave: They give you an extra hour so you can quietly think of all the ways you've heard the director's name pronounced, you know, Scor-say-zee... Scor-seas... Scor-ses-sie... Scor-sess, etc. Add them all up and it will take you about an hour.


Dunston Checks In
Stars Jason Alexander

Jason Alexander has soared from the home screen to the big screen with the grace and style of an American Bald Eagle! Renowned as George Costanza on the ever-popular Seinfeld television series, Alexander truly challenges himself in this, his sophomore cinematic effort, (movie trivia fans will probably remember him as the acerbic attorney in Pretty Woman).

Not one to be outdone, "Costanza"--as we like to call him--takes on some tough issues and gritty subject matter in this bittersweet tale of love and betrayal in a New York City Five Star Hotel.

His on screen counterpart is no slouch either. The character of Dunston has been brilliantly cast. There was a casting search for this role which spanned the globe. Both Gary Coleman and Gary Oldman were turned down for the lead, which went to a Hollywood newcomer who is sure to make a name for himself in the not-too-distant future.

Not since Any Which Way But Loose have we found ourselves mesmerized by an ensemble performance and glued to the screen by such a knock-out film! Dunston has checked in--and he's here to stay! We suggest you "check" it out by getting "in" to your local theater as soon as you can--we'll see you there!


The Pros & Cons of Breathing
Directed by Robert Munich

On the telephone with Robert Munich:

Johnny: So, how did this thing do for you?

Robert Munich: The critics here kind of fried my ass. I expected as much. Because it's kind of like an hour and a half piss take on L.A.. But, you know what really got me was this one particular bad reviewer in the L.A. Reader.

Johnny: Wouldn't that be more like an accomplishment?

Robert: (laughs) would...except this particular guy reviewed me...personally. Not my movie! Me! Robert Munich!

Johnny: (laughing) Come on....

Robert: No...I'm serious. I opened up the paper and in bold type spilled across the page it read: "M-U-N-I-C-H." And this guy went on to discuss what an asshole I am as a person and how I lack inner peace...or some bullshit like that. I mean...I don't mind if you're going to diss my work. But if you're going to talk shit about me least have the nerve to do it to my face, right? So, I started calling this guy at his work. And, of course, he wouldn't take my calls. So, I fucking sit in my car outside his work and wait for him to come out of the office one day, and I follow his ass home...and knock on his door. I'm like, "I'm Robert Munich. If you have something to tell me, why don't you say it to me now?"

Johnny: Rad!

Robert Munich: Oh yeah. And you wouldn't believe it. It turns out he's a frustrated screenwriter! And now he's ready to retract the whole thing! He's also a musician. A composer. And he wants to give me a tape of his music! Now he wants to do the music for my next film. And when can we "have lunch" because he's got some great ideas!

Johnny: That's beautiful.