this page was updated on 2014.08.14 @ 23:51:35 CDT

Movies and Crap
Another magical journey through the silver screen with Dave and Johnny Navarro. Quality goes in before their names go in.
by Dave and Johnny Navarro
Bikini - April 1997

The People Vs. Larry Flynt
A Milos Forman Picture. Stars Woody Harrelson (and his brother!), Courtney Love, Crispin Glover, and Edward Norton.

Dave: John, this movie blew my mind. Ed Norton stole the picture.

Johnny: He's a Yale man!

Dave: That Harrelson kid was great, too.

Johnny: Yeah, so was his brother, Woody.

Dave: And, of course...there's Courtney.

Johnny: There really is Courtney, isn't there? I heard ol' Ed's bangin' 'er!

Dave: (from the Godfather) "He was bangin' cocktail waitresses two at a time. The players couldn't get a drink at the tables!"

Johnny: (as Fredo) "I'm your older brother Mike and I got passed over!"

Dave: "That's the way Pop wanted it."

Johnny: "Well, it's not the way I wanted it! I'm smart! I'm not dumb, like people say! I'm smart and I want respect!"

Dave: "You're out, Tom!"

Dave & Johnny: Courtney Love gets "Two 'Shoots-Up!"


A Wes Craven Film. Stars Drew Barrymore, Skeet Ulrich, Neve Campbell, David Arquette, and Courtney Cox.

Johnny: There are so many great things we could say about this film.

Dave: And, of course...there's Courtney.

Johnny: That's very true. I heard that guy from the Counting Crows is bangin' 'er!

Dave: Yeah, I heard that too. Kind of a theme this month.

Dave & Johnny: Beyond that, however, there are too many great things about this film to list here. So, we would prefer to take this opportunity to shamelessly plug Jonathan Craven and Arty Nelson's upcoming film, Sticky Fingers, due out in motion picture theaters soon. Keep an eye out for this one, folks, it's sure to be a "scream!"


Lost Highway
A David Lynch Film. Stars Bill Pullman, Patricia Arquette, Balthazar Getty, Richard Pryor, and Robert Loggia.

Dave: It would've been better if this had wound up being a "lost screenplay"!

Johnny: What screenplay? It looked like they were making it up as they went along! Though I gotta say, I never knew exactly how talented Patti Arquette really was until I saw this picture.

Dave: Yes! Not to mention the Mansons. Plus the music was cool.

Dave & Johnny: Lost Film Stock!


Mars Attacks!
A Tim Burton Picture. Stars Jack Nicholson, Annette Benning, Glenn Close, Sarah Jessica Parker, Christina Applegate, Lukas Haas, Jim Brown, Pierce Brosnan, Rod Steiger, Danny DeVito, and Tom Jones.

Dave & Johnny: Star Attempts!

Johnny: This movie was a star-studded piece of shit!

Dave: A whole lot of nothing.

Johnny: I liked the little Martian guys and the sound effects.

Dave: Here's the thing about that, John. You don't hire, like, 12 great actors and spend 50 million dollars on a picture to end up saying, "I liked the sound effects!"

Johnny: Precisely.

Dave & Johnny: Tim Burnt-on!


The Mirror Has Two Faces
A Barbra Streisand Vehicle.

Dave & Johnny: The "mirror" may have "two faces," but if one of them is hers, we'd rather skip it!!!


And now (drum roll) our special section devoted to...Rene Russo!

Dave & Johnny: We call this our "Rene-Russo-spective."

Johnny: Dave, how do we do this without coming off heavy handed?

Dave: You mean, like...stalkers?

Johnny: Yeah.

Dave: We're film columnists, Johnny, and don't ever forget that. She's a film actor. Yul Vazquez from Nick of Time didn't think we were after him!

Johnny: But...we devoted an entire passage to her in our last column.

Dave: We were just establishing our fondness for her on-screen talents, setting up the framework for a more in-depth analysis. Besides, we spelled her name wrong.

Johnny: Okay, okay...but how do we begin?

Dave: Well...I just like to carry it with me at all times so I can refer to it when necessary.

Johnny: But...

Dave: (reading authoritatively) Rene Russo. Acting Filmography. Buddy, 1997; Ransom, 1996; Tin Cup, 1996; Get Shorty, 1995; Outbreak, 1995...

Johnny: Okay, Da...

Dave: In the Line of Fire, 1993; Freejack, 1992; Lethal Weapon 3, 1992....

Johnny: Dave, that's enou...

Dave: One Good Cop, 1991; Mr. Destiny, 1990; Major League, 1989, Sable, 1987 TV series...

Johnny: You're scaring me, man.

Dave: Johnny, did you know that Lethal Weapon 3 was the first film to really showcase Rene Russo? Coincidentally, she co-starred with Mel Gibson who, of course, is her co-star in the recent blockbuster, Ransom.

Johnny: Of course, and...

Dave: In Outbreak, with Dustin Hoffman, Rene had to challenge herself in a new way. She stands up to Hoffman, Morgan Freeman and to a terrible virus, but at the same time remains vulnerable and feminine, like a single budding rose in a field of dying rose bushes. The pestilence she battles only accentuates her femininity, damn it!

Johnny: Dude...enough! Let's wrap it up here.

Dave: Okay. You know, Johnny, I was fortunate to be able to help out director Ron Howard during the filming of Ransom.

Johnny: How do you mean?

Dave: Well, apparently Gibson was injured in a risky stunt he performed in New York City.

Johnny: Yeah, I heard about that, wasn't he hurt while riding a police horse or something?

Dave: That's what the press would like to have you think, but the truth is that the stunt, he pulled during the balcony scene, y'know with all the crying and whatnot, just took a little too much out of him. His "injury" was emotional, Johnny, not physical. So, while he was in counseling, I took it upon myself to offer my services to Mr. Howard. They brought me in for a couple of days, y'know, to help out Rene with some of the tougher scenes.

Johnny: Okay, Dave...

Dave: In fact, here is a photo of Rene and I on the set. This is us in the scene where we confront the dastardly kidnappers on the phone.

Johnny: David, wait a minute! This isn't you and Rene Russo! You've obviously taken a publicity still from Ransom and doctored it to appear as if you are in the room with her! In fact, this is worse than the Bruno Magli shoes photo!

Dave: It is me.

Johnny: Dave!

Dave: Johnny, what are you talking about? That's me! Look!

Johnny: I can see that this is you. (pointing to Dave's head) But what I'm saying is that the photograph of you and her together has been rather clumsily manufactured, it's not authentic.

Dave: It's me, Johnny, it's me!